How to Haunt a House
A practicum for the recently deceased · All Hallows' Conference
Haunting fundamentals
- Location — attics and cellars outperform kitchens 3-to-1
- Timing — 3:07 a.m. is the industry standard
- Restraint — one cold draft beats ten rattling chains
- Consistency — haunt the same stair. Brand recognition.
The modern specter's toolkit
Audio
Floorboard creaks, distant music boxes, whispered names (first names only).
Visual
Peripheral movement, flickering lamps, fog with no obvious source.
Thermal
The classic cold spot. Reliable, low-effort, extremely reviewable.
Seasonal operations
October: peak season protocol
- Coordinate with local pumpkins — carved allies hold the porch
- Yield the streets to costumed children; they outrank you tonight
- Reserve the good manifestations for skeptics
- November 1st: back to subtle. Have some dignity.
A truly great haunting is felt for years but proven never.
Measuring success
- Goosebumps per visit (GPV) — aim above 2.5
- Unexplained-event attribution: you want "probably the wind"
- Property resale disclosures mentioning you: the lifetime achievement award
Be the chill
they can't explain.
Thank you. You've been a lovely séance.
Ouija: G-H-O-S-T · Slides haunted with Dais